I did not cry

Mira, do you know? I did not cry when Ojiichan passed away. 

–Why is that, Obaachan?

I just did not have the tears for him. I do not have any more tears for him.

—Do you love him?

I stayed with him. He loved himself more than he loved me. 

She looked off into the distance as she talked to me. There was a bowl of peanuts, salty rice crackers, and dried anchovies between us. We had been at the dining table, she was reading the newspaper as I was reading my book. It was just her and I spending time together that day, because everyone else was out. It took a lot of courage to ask her, but I needed to know. I have been asking her more questions, before it is too late, before there are too many questions that are left unanswered.

–What kind of husband was Ojiichan?

She smiled, a soft, sad smile.

He was greatly loved by many women. He was the only son of the whole family, did you know that? Of 5 siblings, he was the only male. He was greatly charismatic, chivalrous, incredibly flirty. I remember him coming to my house one time in a horse! That silly man. I was a weak girl, with many stomach problems, and I was satisfied spending time at home alone. When he got to the time of marriage, though, he asked my parents if he could reserve me for courtship. I did not want to be with him, but there was no choice. Our parents were third cousins, and, to strengthen the family name, they wanted us to get married. Plus, he was well off, I was not, and my parents were very happy. I obeyed, and we got married. I gave up my education too– at that time, I wasn’t able to attend college anyway because women were not allowed to get an education.

—You had no choice? You HAD to marry him?

She chuckled. I do not know what it is like to fall in love. 

I frowned, and ate another rice cracker.

Anyway, Ojiichan… He was a very powerful man. He worked in mechanics during the war, and after the war, he took over a very large plastic business that boomed over the years. Jun-san and Papa then came in the next decade. They were so hard to raise! How different they were, your uncle is a spitting image of Ojiichan, while your Papa is on a completely different planet at all times. 

–This I know. He still is on a different planet, but I try to meet him there.

She laughed out loud this time. He is so lucky to have you as a daughter.

—I’m not so sure about that..

So… with powerful men comes power responsibilities, and lots of temptations. It wasn’t long until I found out that Ojiichan had been at the brink of leaving me with another woman whom he had been having an affair with. This woman was his co-worker, as wealthy as him, much prettier, attractive, and seductive than I was. I was obedient, stubborn at times, but I was not much of a affectionate type. He wanted affection, he wanted worship, but I wouldn’t give him that. So of course he would look for that in someone else!

–…Obaachan, that’s terrible! What did you do? How did you stay together?

Well… Once I found out about it, I called her immediately and said ‘If you are going to use money on my husband, please use that money to pay for my children’s school tuition, and you can quietly leave.

—What!

Yup! And that is how Jun-San and your Papa were able to go a private school.

I rolled a peanut around on the pads of my right thumb and pointer finger.

–That… is such a hard thing to do.

Yes… there were many instances like these. I guess I got hardened. When Ojiichan passed away in the hospital, I was there. I sat there, next to his hospital bed, watching as his chest went up and down, slowly, slower by the minute, until it was no more. Then I had gotten up, alerted the nurses, and had gone home. Sad, isn’t it? I did not cry.

I fought my tears.

But, with all this said, I never told you because I wanted you to love your Ojiichan. I still want you to love him– I have a different past from him than you have. He loved you, you know that? Oh how he absolutely adored you! Keep thinking well of him, okay?

I nodded, biting my lip.

And you go, you go live your life as best you can. Find a man you love, and marry him, and love him and laugh with him and cry for him. Don’t be like me.

I stayed silent, processing everything that she had just said. This was the first time she opened up this much to me. I felt like I have been given a precious gift and I held it gingerly in my arms.

What a wonderful, wonderful woman. So selfless, bold, patient. She wishes for me the freedom from the things she was bound by. She told me not to be like her, but Obaachan, you are truly an inspirational hero.