Oh well. I express whatever I want. Confessions, poems, stories, all true, fictional, or fiction laced with truth, whatever it is I get to share it for my benefit and for whoever wants to read it I guess.

I remember when I was in 2nd grade, the PE teacher pushed me into the deep end, jumped in with me, and held me under water. I was terrified, of course, and I still remember how I found the hair on his abdomen absolutely revolting. Island-girl me was able to hold my breath, thankfully, but I saw something underwater that no one else saw.

He was smiling.

After that, he said that I was not “fit for this level” of swimming and sent me to the shallow end of the pool. I was crushed of course, because I spent the summers being a mermaid in Saipan so I thought that I was a natural at swimming.

Anyway, he got fired shortly after.

It wasn’t the first time I had made a mistake, it was the first time I felt like I had failed. My 4th grade teacher gave me a C in science and my mom was shocked, her jaw dropping to the floor and looking back a C wasn’t even that bad. But then my teacher said “yeah, science is not for her. You won’t study science when you grow up, you’re not good at it”

Only 10 years into my life and this man was already twisting my growth mindset. How messed up is that. Science had been wonderful at one point. My grandma used to be a science teacher so growing up, she would have us do science experiments with her. I would watch as liquid crystallize into solid and my bare feet hit the surface of corn starch mixed with water, then sunk through. But after my teacher, the supposed judge of my intellectual and personal growth, made that comment, my mind started to spin when I saw numbers and graphs. Anything science made my palms sweaty.

Well anyway, fast forward and my resilient self eventually excelled at high school science and then got a Bachelors in Science from UM so I’d like to say it’s not that his words weren’t that impactful after all, it’s that I can push through other people’s expectations more than I give myself credit for.

I don’t mean the useless kind. But the one that drives self-expression, communication, narrative. I’m finding it again, it’s swirling within me and I feel alive.

Fuck you for trying to take it from me, then spitting it back out to hurt me. Pen’s in my hand now, bitch.

My heart starts pounding when I realize the truth.

My heart has never lied to me, my mind has.

Funny because for as long as I can remember, my dad has shared his self-made maxims with my brother and I. It’s always delivered with a deeper, resounding voice, eyebrows furrowed and chest facing the sun, or the moon, or whatever was shining in the sky that day.

“Let the faith guide your way.

When it feels right in your gut, you are doing the right thing.

When it doesn’t; pause, breathe and look around

You will find the groove.”

I always had a hard time taking the last line seriously, because it has this serious tone and then suddenly BAM the word “groove” appears and it feels like we are all supposed to be dancing or something.

But quite honestly, that IS what we’re doing. We are all dancing, trying to find the rhythm, the melody, perhaps even the silences of a song, and figuring how that works for ourselves. I certainly had a long– too long– period of time where I was ashamed and afraid. I never fully danced life for fear of attracting uninvited attention to myself, yet I continued to collapse into their greed. Then I was afraid that my body will not be enough or, even worse, my soul. And, even in partial hiding, I got hurt. So many times in fact, that I stopped discerning what wrong was done to me and instead grit my teeth and continued to move forward for the sake of life. Because isn’t life about moving forward till you can’t anymore?

Oh how wrong I was!

So these days I’ve been allowing grief. A part of me thinks to my self, aren’t you done yet? But then I’d have flashbacks of my vulnerable self, wishing adult Mira could have shielded and protected and embraced child Mira. And I need to remember that of all the people who have gas lighted me, I cannot be one of them. I have to trust my past self, and tell her it’s okay. It’s not your fault. I love you.

I usually don’t want to admit the times that were hard because I feel like it means that I am less thankful for the times that were good. But I’ve been better at holding many pieces of myself, for myself. I mean, I do that for others, why do I not do that for myself?

So needless to say, I’ve been pausing, breathing, and looking around lately.

And I’m finding my groove.

Thankful for when you bring your raw and authentic self to our friendship.

Thankful for your how you give unconditional love, and how you never hold back.

Thankful for the plant in my corner that I moved into a big pot so that it can grow bigger.

Thankful for bagel bites.

Thankful for the 5 C’s: Calm, Collected, Confident, in Christ… and croissants.

I’m learning to be thankful for my past self, and I’m remembering my gratitude for those who have loved and protected me along the way.

Sometimes I look back and wish that I could have protected my past self too. I wish I had been able to counsel myself as a little girl to open my clenched fists, take deep breaths, and remind myself that I am loved. I just wish I could go back and hug past Mira and tell her “I hear you and I see you” and I wonder how that would have changed me.

My bs detector, my lie-o-meter and my gaslight siren. It’s become an all-in-one type of pepper spray, I keep it in my handbag cause that shit comes up quick and I gotta practice using it properly cause otherwise, I be spraying myself.

Straight up just stared at my dad

Sobriety at its purest, at its finest

I probably looked at him like I’ve seen shit you don’t even know

Or perhaps I looked at him like I heard you on laughing gas, you weren’t even the one who was in labor

Or even a bit more philosophical than that what is this world I have been born into, curious looking man?

Who knows what I was thinking with my clenched edamame bean looking fists, alien cone head and yellow highlighter-spilled-all-over-my-body-jk-it’s-jaundice skin.

I’d really like to know.

I hand you the knife

Blade in my palm

I’m giving you the handle

I’ve got a lot of cuts anyway.

I’ve been stabbed, cut open, left bleeding before

Come on, don’t be afraid, I dare you to do it

Feels safer giving you the knife than

you bringing one out from behind your back.

At least I know when to squeeze my eyes shut

And clench my fist

Or maybe they’ll be open this time.

I’m used to it now, I’m tough!

You look at it

It’s shining under the light of truth above us

And you look at it

And you put your warm hand over mine.

I drop the knife out of shock

I guess I have gotten so used to the cold surface

Of the knife

That I have forgotten how warm your hand can be.

Perhaps I will find myself picking the knife up again

Time to

Time

But each time you put your hand on mine

You give my wounds more space to heal

till perhaps those wounds will be no more

and I will stop expecting people to hurt me

and I will start inviting people to love me

And I can start trusting again.

I remember the exact moment

It was Rod Stewart singing

When I need you

And the sun was setting ahead of us

Even while we were chasing after it

And I looked through the window

At the trees

So alive

And I saw the two parakeets

Vibrantly blue

Flying together, with each other

And that’s the exact moment

I knew

This ain’t it

I had watched as the sun disappeared behind the mountains

As did our love

I thank the ground for letting me trust

That it will hold me every day

I lay myself bare before you

And you say “you’re safe with me”

(Bessel van der Kolk)

I really believe this.

Thank you for not writing my narrative in your words, but helping me find them for myself.

“Our capacity to destroy one another is matched by our capacity to heal one another. Restoring relationships and community is central to restoring well-being”

(Bessel van der Kolk)

why deep belly breathe when you can deep belly laugh

Did yall ever do that science experiment in elementary school where you take a crystal triangular prism and hit it with the light and suddenly wooooo you got all the colors of the rainbow and then you use two prisms and BAM suddenly you got colors overlapping and mixing with each other? That’s like my emotions right now. It’s not as cute as it sounds, I feel like I’ve uncovered another crystal prism and am using a brighter light. It looks messy and I feel so extra producing all these colors.

Now that I think about it though, I guess it means that I’m capturing more light… I like that better.

I’ve worked so closely with this girl, fighting all these battles alongside her. And now that I see her go, I’ve got mixed feelings.

A part of me is uneasy, knowing that she’s got a lot of odds stacked against her. The adults lied. I’m an adult. I didn’t lie to her but for some reason I still feel responsible.

I’m also feeling as though I could have done more… but could I have done more? Or am I just feeling that way because I’m sad that I don’t get to be along side her fierce, beautiful spirit anymore.

Another part of me though, is so, so, SO very proud. To watch her advocate for herself and chase after her dream. To know that she is going to get through all this and more because she is her own motivation, nothing will stop her.

Go ahead, queen. Show the world what you got.

I’m more comfortable being wrong than being right, or more so, I’m more comfortable with you being right than you being wrong.

I want to grow my heart so that I can increase compassion while also seeking justice. First step would probably be to unlearn my habit of making excuses for others, and start saying “I forgive you” instead of “it’s okay”

raise your hand if you are hitting second puberty or is it just me cause angst level 100000 right now

the more she listened

the more she realized she had to learn.

and the more she talked

the more she realized she had something to say

we really need to be listening more to and amplifying the voices of children

in my walk with danielle we uncovered facts.

• we do not drop babies from 6ft in the air
• we do not go scavenging for food 1000x our size and bring it to the queen
• we do not use our nose to get water and spray it on ourselves and others
• we do not leave our babies in the sand for them to try and make it out to the sea
• we do not mark territory by peeing on it
• or do we
• we do not sniff each other’s butts to greet each other
• or do we

and many others. Nature is metal.

our souls walk hand in hand even though we cannot

me: I miss you a lot we should keep in touch

them: yeah, how are you doing?

me:

me:

me:

me:

me:

me: (messages about a logistical issue)

them: (replies about logistical issue)

them: so how are you by the way

me:

me:

me:

me:

me:

me: (6 months later) so sorry didn’t see this message!

Trying to write more, it’s all about the habit. The creative juices are there, just gotta get the gears turning.

Apparently the wild bunnies around here are in danger of a lethal form of ebola. So every time I see a bunny I bless them and say “stay alive, homie” and it runs away from me.

The clouds looked like diarrhea today I honestly have no other way to describe it.

Holding a heart of gratitude these days and one thing that I am thankful for is the ocean because it holds so many mysteries and holds so much life and I’m sure that wars of different kinds go on in there because nature is metal. But it is certainly different from the wars that go on between humans on land.

More and more people have been open to sharing their creativity on social media. It makes me thankful and joyful to see them willing to share a piece of their heart in that way. Best thing I saw today was a kid who was making bowties and sending them out in the hundreds to animal shelters so that they would have a better chance of being adopted. WHOLESOME SHIT this is what I want on my feed. It’s also what I want to contribute to my feed as well.

If you’re reading this now then yes this is about you, you know who you are

My creative self. That is something that can be passed along and authentically held.

The expression of self. Learning how to manifest your inner soul, your unique spirit, into whatever medium of your choosing. Whatever it is, do it, do it with no judgment, do it unapologetically and with no inhibitions because that is you coming alive.

I’ve been feeling the reality of mortality lately. And at first it was a conductor of anxiety, but it has caused me to lean more into faith. I know that it is most in part because of the pandemic: a collective experience that has caused everyone to readjust inside and outside of their skin.

It has decreased the chance of human connection– an innate and, in my opinion, very spiritual necessity– and it has increased fear.

Fear.

What are you afraid of right now?

I know that a lot of my actions in the past have been fueled by my fear of hurting others, and of not doing or not being enough. Where has that taken me?

• You are loved
• Your worth is not determined by what you are are and what you are not able to do
• You are healing
• Time is different right now. It is okay if things are not proceeding at the usual rate.
• Be with yourself, where you are right now. Be with yourself, hold compassion for yourself.

In the end, you must come home to yourself

So make sure that it is a safe

Loving

Joyful

Graceful place

“I can’t see it all

But I have seen enough to know

Oh, you are faithful”

AF: “How do you use the word ‘affection’ in a verb tense?”

BR: “I’ll affection you, fucker”

 

“The identified patient… is the person in a dysfunctional system who becomes the problem person by acting out the pain of the dysfunctional system. [It] draws away attention from the true inner conflicts of the people in the system.”

– Jonathan Van Ness, Over the Top

“I don’t trust people who don’t cuss”

– j.a.

he was yelling and cussing and slamming doors

I could tell that he was blinded by anger.

then you come out of the room

and you start whistling

and they start singing

and I start snapping

and suddenly we are all in harmony

“in every life we have some trouble

but when you worry you make it double

don’t worry, be happy

don’t worry, be happy now”

“An elephant does not think its trunk is heavy. If that is one’s destiny and responsibility, there is no weight, but rather, importance.”

– E.J. Koh, The Magical Language of Others

“you put words together, you make a story… what about one word?…one word has references from history, culture, language- your own experiences and the rest of the world. A single word IS a story… when we read a poem, we’re not reading one story. We’re reading every story at once.”

– E.J. Koh, The Magical Language of Others

all those memories

and imprints you made

on my mind and my body

 

I peel off and put

into a music box

 

Because that’s the thing about music boxes–

what comes back are usually

gentle memories

and that’s what I’d like you to be.

I may not look like you

nor be of the same race

ethnicity

culture

or have experienced the same adversities.

 

but I recognize humanity in you

I recognize your spirit and

your soul and it’s

beautiful

and it is worthy of love.

 

and I am your ally

so that one day

you may be

for another child

someone who looks like them

understands them

and gives them hope.

when you know that someone has mental health issues, don’t you want to protect them too? 

why did you have to get the police involved…?

I will never forget the way k.b delivered these words. His usual confident, sassy voice turned down to a whisper, his facial expression and posture were vulnerable and raw. It has bottled itself into my heart. I will really never forget it.

— I was having a difficult week– the emotional impact of her situation was certainly more than I thought it would be. I was suddenly mad at the city of Oakland for not protecting the life of this 14 year old girl, and at how it seemed as though the world was still spinning, still going, even though the injustice was so clear.

The world doesn’t stop when acts of injustice occur and an innocent life is taken. It is part of the world. That’s how things are and can be. What are you doing about it?

you just never know about life, and shit happens but we are still living.

in those quiet moments where we are suddenly more aware of our own heart beats, more aware of our enslavement to mortality and how no one escapes such a thing, more aware of how tribulations are inevitable in this world…

that’s when I fight to hold onto hope.

sometimes you will never be fully ready for moments, and there could be in fact a storm brewing inside of you.

and I imagine a partner being someone you reach out to and know, this is the one who will ground me no matter what.

we will never be in perfect situations together– we build them.